Love the Body You're In

It has been sometime since I have visited this space. A lot of life has been lived...heartache, celebration, grieving, elation....there have been milestones attained and forever life decisions set in motion. There has been stretching, learning, and growing...all of this after eventual surrender to the Lord. Because he is perfect and all knowing and he sets our paths straight. I'm sure I will write about all of these things one day. But today I am motivated to share about a personal journey I have been on.

Last week I reached a personal milestone. One year ago I made a decision to better myself, to honor God by taking care of my body. I began working out. At first, just two days a week. After a few months, it grew to maybe 4 times a week. I was so enjoying the process and watching my body transform, seeing what I was capable of. I eventually was working out 6 days a week. Not to say that there weren't struggles along the way, there have been many.

Last February I met Raji. I was standing in line at Chick-Fil-A, waiting to get a refill on my tea, when I noticed this woman standing in front of me. It was obvious that she worked out. But it was more than that. It was the prominent shoulders, the back muscles that were exposed, defined arms, and even in her leggings you could see her built quads and hamstrings. It was her posture and how she held herself.  I was noticing her build and poise with the realization that a body like that doesn't happen. You have to work for it, and I was certain it required a lot of work! I decided to be brave that day and approach her. I said to her,  "I don't mean to sound weird, but I just wanted to tell you that you look great! I know it takes a lot of hard work to look like that." She told me thank you and then she said that she was a personal trainer. A week later we met at Starbucks. We discussed goals, food preferences, and life.

Fast forward a year. This journey has been one of the more difficult ones I have been on, personally. God has used this to challenge me in many different ways, which has carried over into other areas of my life. I have been challenged in being disciplined, in making choices...to get up in the morning, or, the food I eat, in trusting him, that through him, I can do this. The biggest challenge has been mental...usually just getting out of my head, doing what I know I need to do and not complain while I do it, trusting my trainer, and believing in myself.  I have had to lean on him for sustenance throughout this journey. If it was not for that, I'm certain I would have quit by now.

Even through the obstacles I just shared, I faced an even larger setback this fall. I found out I had torn my rotator cuff and it required surgery for a proper repair. I was devastated. It was by far the thing I feared most. I had just set some new goals, was working on heavy lifting/muscle building. I was angry, frustrated, scared... I was scared. I didn't want to have surgery, I didn't even know how this injury occurred. I found a really good doctor. He reassured me that, though this is a lengthy recovery process (12 months for 100% recovery) when all was said and done, I would come back stronger.

My surgery was in November. I started P.T. 3 weeks later. As of yesterday I am at 4 months post-op. This has been a difficult process and I am nowhere near out of the woods. I should be done with P.T., but my muscles aren't dissociating and my range of motion isn't where it should be, so he prescribed another 6 weeks of P.T. It is slowly getting better...slowly...What caught me by surprise was the mental challenge of this process. I have broken down at P.T., not because my therapist is hurting me, which, let me tell ya', it doesn't feel great, but because of the lack of response my body has had, the inability to do things that are second nature, feeling like I wasn't improving...being stuck. I had reassurance from all sides, hey, you're only 3 months out of surgery, full recovery is 1 year, but that didn't always leave me any less frustrated.

In January, about 2 months post-op, I began training again. I was very excited that my doctor had given me the go ahead. Legs and core only but I was itching to get back, to get back to routine, to clearing my head, relieving my stress. I started back probably about 2-3 days a week. I fully intended to go back 5 days a week, but, every time I walked into her gym I was defeated. Here I was stuck doing leg extensions, lunges, Bulgarian split squats (without weight). And while I was stuck on a machine doing leg extensions, the ladies I work out with were working on muscle building, squats with the bar, deadlifts, weighted glute bridges...everything I was doing, muscle building, before I saw my doc for my consultation and he said stop. It became difficult to get up early to go workout, relegated to "feeble" (in my mind) exercises while I watched them do my workout. 

I continued to go, not my 5 days, but I went. And even with the few things I was doing, I was seeing results, slowly, but there were results. My weights were getting heavier, my legs were starting to shape up again, my endurance was rebuilding. I had to find my "why", refocus, and again, seek the Lord and rely on his sustenance. It is only because of him. I had begun to regain motivation and was making it about 4 days a week, still with uncertainty of my ultimate goal. The question Raji is forever posing to me..."do you want to lean out, or do you want to build muscle."

I have been sick the past two weeks so I have avoided training in hopes of getting some sleep and letting my body recoup. Over the past two weeks the Lord has been faithful. He has allowed me to, as Raji is ALWAYS preaching, learn to love the body I'm in. He has given me a peace. I know what this body is capable of, I know what I can do, and it feels good to be strong. I have found a new focus, I am motivated, and I will begin the process of setting goals when I go back next week.

In the beginning, this journey was about aesthetics. I think that's pretty normal. We are bombarded in our culture with images and expectations and it is distracting. It becomes too difficult to wade through, to find what is realistic. I was preparing for a cruise and I had 3 months. My intentions had always been to continue training once the cruise was over. What I didn't intend was for God to use this as a gateway to get ahold of my heart, penetrate, and effect almost every other of my life. As I have stayed the course, though it has been bumpy, he has been faithful to meet me where I was at each point...for every success, for every frustration, for every drop of sweat and every tear cried,  for inches lost, for muscle gained, he has been there. He has taught me that this is about more than aesthetics. That is a great benefit, but he has consistently taught me that this is about my future, my families future, my heart and my soul; me being the best version of myself (when I am surrendered). He has ultimately taught me that this journey, this part of my life, for me, is about obedience.