Choosing

I'm not exactly sure where I find myself this morning. God has been so faithful to give and show me so much...and really, I am overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed at how much my Jesus loves me, I am overwhelmed that He chose me, handpicked me! I am overwhelmed that He has called me and in that calling, I am overwhelmed at what He asks of me. Because, it is a lot and it is hard because it is so different from what this world asks of me. And I have to choose. When I call myself a believer, a follower of Christ, what does that really mean? What does He require of me in my accepting His calling? "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it." Mark 8:34-35 This is what He requires.

I have been contemplating these things much as of late and it is hard, it is hard to deny self and to seek His perfect will, to lay down my agenda and let His envelope all that I thought I needed or wanted: securities of this world, unrealistic, maybe even ungodly expectations, finding worth and approval in places He never meant for me to find them, desires that weren't intended for me, hijacked dreams that only left me feeling empty. All of these things have unknowingly been weighing me down and I have been carryng burdens that not only gave me a false sense of security but that were never meant for me to carry. These things have lead me to make choices that were not of Him, to say things that were hurtful, to project my needs on to others that only He can meet. These things have distracted me from taking up my cross and following Him in full obedience causing me to sin against Him.

I am so thankful that His grace abounds! In my choosing to follow Him, He takes me as I am, and when I confess, He fogives and He loves me so much that His desire is to do a continued work in me. He doesn't want me to be that person, lost and pawning after things of this world that have no eternal value. I mean, eternity is what it comes down to, lost souls and eternity. How can He use me to further His kingdom when I am bogged down by all these things that are so distracting and insignifiant? And when I start to ask these questions honestly He is faithful to answer. He is faithful to show me what is not of Him, what I am holding on to that He desires me to let go of, where hidden sin has taken up residence in my heart leaving little room for Him. He shows me and I have a choice. I have a choice to tighten my grip, to continue harder in the path I am on, seeking my own fulfillment. Or, I have a choice to let go, arms high and heart abandoned, to submit in obedience, seeking His perfect will.

Either choice will lead to a difficult road. Either choice will have an aftershock of pain. If I choose to submit, the road will be narrow, but He will walk with me, I will not be alone. If I choose to let go, it will hurt, but He will comfort me, He will bind my wounds. And if I choose to lift arms high and leave my heart abandoned to Him, He will be faithful to infilitrate the emptiness that is left. When I humble myself before Him and choose His perfect will, there will be freedom. There is beauty in the pain, healing in the hurting. I know this because I am in the midst of choosing, choosing to let go of things I didn't even know I was holding onto, dreams that were never intended for me that I hijacked as my own. And in the letting go, He is showing me His plan, His purpose, giving me a new dream of my own that is intended just for me. And I have peace, His perfect peace. I have found freedom! And He is giving me this promise as He is gently ushering me to let go of other strongholds that I have held onto even tighter, that I have wrapped my identity around. I am grateful that He is so gracious with me.

I have found peace and rest, for now, in this moment.... so it is my prayer that He would continue to show me, that I would continue in humility, that I would continue to choose to be softened, that His will may be done in my life. I desire to let go so that I may take up my cross and follow Him.

"Come to me, all you are weary and burdened, and I will gibe you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30