Learning From the Girl that Used to Be Me

The other day, I was reading this, on Sarah Markley's blog. She was talking about losing her voice as a child because of the reaction of an adult when she spoke, the unexpected, soul crushing reaction that caused her to decide she was no longer going to give voice to her opinion or ideas and, how her blogging is what has helped her, gave her courage to slowly find her voice again.


People responded to her post talking about their own individual experiences of adults shutting them down, publicly embarrassing them, and in those moments deciding they were going to keep quiet from then on, choosing to avoid further or another round of humiliation. It's like something changes, a switch is turned off in that moment, and the soul loses it's voice and dictates the fear for the rest of a person's life.


Fortunately, despite my own personal experience, despite my interaction with adults that should have broken my spirit, I never lost my voice - I always fought, always stood up for myself, pointing out the injustice, the unfairness- because- no one else did for me. And I don't know why my spirit wasn't ever broken. Maybe it was because I had eyes watching, maybe because they needed to see that the harm, the hurt didn't have to win-that I wasn't going to be silenced, I wasn't going to cave, I didn't accept false accusation. Maybe there was power in that.


So, I wonder, what did happen? When did the switch get turned off, half-way? Because there is some sort of disconnect. I am realizing, that because I have been so over-the-top bold, opinionated, they have stopped hearing me. In the past, I had to be heard and I had to be right and I had something to say about...EVERYTHING! And maybe that's why they stopped hearing, why I stopped being heard. They had enough.


 I have walked with Christ for a long time, but it was at a distance-unknown to me. But, praise God, in the last year, He has used people and circumstances and He has gotten a hold of my heart, my soul, the core of who I am and He has changed me...is changing me. The walls have come down. The attitude, the abrasiveness, the hard heart...it's being transformed, and yes it hurts, and it's hard! Hard to admit that that's who I am, in my flesh, that those are my strongholds, that that was my identity.


And now, I am changed. I am different. I don't cling to that hardness as my identity. My heart has softened, and I am learning how to talk, when to talk, and how to approach people. I am learning to meet people where they're at and to love them in that place. I am learning to ask before I speak truth I feel the Lord has laid on my heart, and when I am granted permission, it is spoken in love.  In no way have I arrived, this is right under the surface, this sin nature, and there are days when it is tempting. Tempting to go there, to live in that flesh, because it was easy and I didn't get hurt. There are days when it would be easier to push everyone out, harden my heart and run back to that which I used to cling. It would ease the sting, deaden the pain.


So, where is the disconnect? Those that stopped hearing me only know the old me. They haven't been around this changed person enough to see my heart. All they know is they got tired of hearing me, and I lost the right to be heard...and it hurts. I know my heart, I know my intentions, but they don't  understand it. They only see ulterior motives, manipulation, and passive-aggressive behavior.


Beyond that, though, there is another component.


Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God. Matthew 3:20-21


I used to be one of those believers who walked the fence, one foot in the Word, one foot in the World--I was that believer that my pastor always talked about, that I understood, but didn't know it was me--saved but miserable. No abundant life because I wasn't truly walking in His ways, I wasn't walking in complete obedience. I didn't know it...it was something I learned. God got a hold of me and showed me my double-mindedness...He gave me an opportunity to choose, and I did.


But, these people who have stopped hearing me, these people who once surrounded me, who I shared my life with, I see this evident in their lives...they call themselves Christians by name. And I don't doubt their salvation just as I never doubted mine, but their walk, their obedience...it is clear. In their lack of understanding, in their Christian "freedom" and entitlement, in their desire to keep one foot in the world, I am not heard...I am silenced.


I wonder now, where can I be heard, where can I speak my own truth?  I am fearful and closed down. I feel like I have a voice, a voice I want to share, to be heard. But this fear-fear of rejection, judgement, offending, fear of man, has kept me quiet. I am ready to move beyond that-to take a stand, like the young girl I used to be-to find my place that I can give myself permission to speak out loud, despite the naysayers, to find my place to speak my truth, to find space for these ever-internalized thoughts that need to breathe. This is that place.