Blessings of time and a kindred spirit

Busy days, late nights, maximizing the time we had together didn't allow for me to write, and I wouldn't trade it. We had a blessed time! We shared life for the first time in 5 or 6 years, for the first time since our relationship has been restored. And it was beautiful and it was a blessing and I am so grateful for the time. Our relationship is the type where we can share-completely honestly- about what God is doing, how He is growing us, and confessing that with which we struggle- we have the freedom to share from the heart and know we will not be judged or chastised, but encouraged, lifted up, and prayed for. It is the place for me where I can experience true Christian fellowship, true Christian sisterhood. And I am so grateful that God has given me this gift, that He allowed me to experience this- He has chosen this kinship, this sisterhood for me... and there are not words to express the gratitude! What a true blessing!

Lord, I thank you for this dear friend who is honest enough to be real, to be frank, to say the hard things, only out of a desire to see the family strengthened and You glorified!


#13. ability to laugh at myself with my kids while playing with the kids
#14. not taking myself too seriously
#15. kids with fresh haircuts
#16. God truths spoken by daughter
#17. rain
#18. life giving words
#19. Father's birthday
#20. honoring others
#21. gifts/talents
#22. creating
#23. quiet
#24. time for reflection
#25. uncertainty
#26. finished quilts
#27. growing excitement for a coming adventure
#28. New Mexico, pathway to CO from AZ
#29. family vacation
#30. reliable vehicle
#31. welcoming, loving arms
#32. embracing dear friends
#33. time
#34. Freedom- to be "me" because I know she understands and loves me, no matter what!
#35. kindred-spirit mama's, kindred-spirit daugther's

#36. pouring out
#37. being heard
#38. sharing life with "truly" like-minded friends
#39. gluten free, sugar free, dairy free cooking and baking...tackling it together
#40. shared table
#41. morning greetings
#42. late nights
#43. cherished moments
#44. teenage-approaching boys challenged to set example for young one

#45. living in community
#46. talking about the REAL things
#47. sharing the depths of our souls
#48. laughing, crying, encouraging, praying...together
#49. reminiscing
#50. girls night
#51. speaking truth
#52. receiving truth
#53. safe place for confessing
#54. carrying each other's burdens
#55. God's promise

#56. this kinship, that which God chose for me

Join me in counting the daily gifts from the Giver!

Friends... Together

I have intended to do a post this weekend, didn't quite get to it. However, we got to our destination here in Colorado to visit our dear friends. Today Tink threw an impromptu post at me, on her blog, and I thought I would share it with you here.

Friends... Together

So, my dear friend Tammy is here...seriously here...sitting on my left. We're sipping coffee. We're talking, maybe a tear or two is shared. We went to church, had lunch, went to Costco...it feels good. It feels like home. It is good.
I am so blessed, so here is the compilation of us, to share with the blog world...TINK


We traveled 12 hours yesterday to get here, to visit these dear friends we call and consider family. I would have traveled 24, whatever it would take. I am currently in a season of life which God has placed me in, a season of loneliness...it is a place I accept. But, in the midst of this lonely season, being here, with these friends who have walked with us (sharing births of children, speaking truth in love, walking every step of life together, the good and the bad, REALLY knowing each other), sharing life like we once used to, is like a stream in the desert, refreshing, soul quenching. I am beyond blessed and so thankful. It is my prayer that the Lord would help me to relish every moment that is shared, to capture the joy of this time He has allowed us to be together....TAMMY



Yay...this is rad. Not that we could pen a letter and read it, relish it, till the next one came (which is usually every 6 months on my record)...but that we can sit and write together. That we not only share joy in our friendship, but that we are sharing life...sharing the blessing...watch as our children play, our husbands laugh, and our table is set...together. We cherish the moments, record them, recall them, and the list continues. What the Lord has begun, He is continuing in both of our lives...and what a blessing it is to see Him work the miracles in my life, and in yours, Tammy. Thanks be to Him who gives us richness and fullness of joy!...TINK

I first met Tink when she was with child. She was a new bride, and preparing to be a new mommy. I had just moved to AZ, had twin boys that were 4, and an infant daughter. We had been there 6 long months, and I had no one. God intersected our paths and after knowing each other only a few short months, I was at the hospital sharing in the birth of her daughter. This was only the beginning...there is a part of the story many don't know, and that I don't particularly like to recall, but it's a crucial part of the story. There was a time period of about two years we did not speak, Tink and I, not for a lack of trying on her part, but on account of my hardened heart, and for growth God needed to do in each of our lives. I, after moving to another state and being completely lonely, I called her, praying she would receive it. She did, and she forgave, and she didn't even want the explanation as to why or what. And we picked up where we left off, and now, three years later, here we are. I don't know what God has in store for either of us, but, we will keep sharing life, keep speaking into each others lives, keep loving, as God has knitted our hearts together, intertwined our lives. Thank you Lord for this gift of true friendship...TAMMY

AMEN! There has been a lot...a heaping and over-flowing portion of life we have shared, laughed over, cried over, scrap-booked about, written about...and as I am sitting here with a friend, I praise God for His goodness, His GRACE, His mercy, His patience, His love, His discipline. For in Him we are made whole...TINK

Not to us, O Lord, not to us but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness. Psalm 115:1

Power of Words

I am moved this morning. A longstanding truth is the fact that words have power. And there are people that He has given a gift, this gift, the ability to take words and put them together. And in so doing, not only do these words have power, but they have life-giving power, convicting power, stirring power. These people recognize their gift, and they share it freely...and the words stir my heart, convict my heart, give life to my heart, my own shared passion for words and writing...and I am moved to put words on page. It looks different, and it sounds different, but it is my passion, {maybe} my gift, but it is my voice. And I am thankful to have this space for my voice to be spoken...maybe to even move another.

In the last ten years I have learned that words can be life-giving, I understand it, but maybe haven't practiced it as much as I could or should. But, I did the other day and He was faithful to show me the power in sharing words that are life-giving, encouraging me to incorporate this into everyday living, to make this a way of life.

My father has always, ever since I can remember, been a woodworker. It is not his chosen profession, but it is his hobby, his passion, his gift.

He has spent many hours in his workshop designing, creating, bringing to life an otherwise still and plain 2X4, or an innocent by-standing piece of plywood. And when he is finished, there is no trace of what was, the flat boards stacked, lying still, only the masterpiece which he formed by manipulating wood into predetermined design.

I know this is his love because he doesn't do it for money. He uses this gift to bless others. I adore the jewelry box he made for me one year for Christmas, and for daughter's birthday, as a request, he also crafted her a jewelry box. And a few years earlier, after seeing her growing collection of "dress-up" items, he blessed her with a personalized dress-up box, filled with new items that her growing collection could be added to.

Beyond that, he blesses his church family. A family in his church was in need of bunk beds for their children. All he asks is reimbursement for supplies, but his final creation, his sacrifice of time, he uses it to serve, to bless. And other requests come...a dining room table, an office desk, a coffee table, and he is diligent to fulfill the requests, to honor God in honoring his gift, using it to bless others, to glorify God.

The other day my dad sent me a picture of something he created, a new venture, a sign for a business. And as if I should expect anything less, I was amazed. I had seen pictures of the process, from beginning to end, from nothing to something. It was incredible. And I did something I had never done before. I chose to offer life-giving words, to my dad, affirming him..."what a gift you have been given, great to see how you are using it." And the words did not return void, they were received, "thanks for the kind words, that felt good!!!"

I questioned myself, why don't I do this more often? Share these life-giving, affirming words. Why don't I do this with my children, my spouse? There really is such power in words, we have power in words, and we have the power to effect a life if we choose to use words in such a way as to encourage, build-up, pointing to Christ and His blessing in all.

Today is my dad's 60th birthday, and though I am not with him to celebrate, I desire to honor him and the man he is...the example he has given in using our God-given talents and gifts humbly, to bless others. Thank you dad for this example, and the encouragement to seek my passions, and to use them in a way that others may be blessed. Happy birthday Dad, I love you!

"Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in it's various forms."  I Peter 4:10

Jesus in ALL Things

This morning as I read one of my daily devotions, I was encouraged, but more importantly, challenged. I was challenged in all facets of my life, but namely, my parenting, because this is my life-focus right now, my ministry. When I finished reading I paused and reflected on what it was God was showing me. He has used a few other things in my life recently to get my attention, but this morning, it was like I was finally hearing Him. I want to be different, God wants me to be different. I want our family to be different, pleasing only unto Him.

I desire to be the kind of parent that when my kids say to me they are lonely, or struggling, or praying about something, I want to be able to encourage them. To tell them to lean on Jesus, to seek Him in their loneliness. When they are struggling, to be able to say God loves you, press into Him and He will comfort you- you have the resurrection power within you through the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. When they tell me they are praying about something specific, that not only would I say I will be praying about that for you, but that I would stop what I am doing and pray for them right there.

That is the kind of parent I want to be. I want to point to Jesus in all things. I desire to show and teach them that He encompasses ALL of life. There is never any separation. Jesus first, Jesus last, Jesus in ALL things.


"Not only our private prayers should be filled with God, but our witnessing, our singing, our preaching, our writing should center around the Person of our holy, holy, Lord and extol continually the greatness of His dignity and power. There is a glorified Man on the right hand of the Majesty in heaven faithfully representing us there. We are left for a season among men, let us faithfully represent Him here."  A.W. Tozer  The Knowledge of the Holy

Gift Counting: Recognizing the Giver

I have been reading this blog for about two years now, found it just as we were preparing to move. And there are so many things I could say about her blog, her writing, but for now, I just want to talk about her "gift list". It is a practice she began sometime ago, counting everyday graces, as she calls it. Taking notice of the ordinary and giving thanks. It is about gratitude and recognizing that we are each individual, created differently and the way He blesses is as individual as we are, IF we choose to recognize it.

"Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we experience life and the world."    John Milton

That so encourages me to want to start counting, to be aware, to see how He is choosing to bless me...how I am choosing to see what could be burdens, as blessings. I originally did start this list, I started it in Sep. of 2009. But I didn't get very far. I counted for one day, and then stopped. Because it does take a certain amount of pausing in your day, a certain amount of paying attention and seeing things for what they are...and that can be hard.  I don't want that to stop me...I want to be a gift counter, and so, I begin again today.

Her original goal was 1000, and she is far beyond that, but she is still counting! She encourages the same goal for others who want to join her, and to set a time frame of doing so. Thanksgiving is about 19 weeks away, that would be a good goal, to have my gratitude list of 1000 completed by Thanksgiving...the day when we celebrate all that we are thankful for. Care to join me?

"No gift unrecognized as coming from God is at its own best...when in all gifts we find Him, then in Him we shall find all things."     George MacDonald

The beginning of my list (from Sep.15,2009):
#1 My journey, specifically from July 2008, but ALL plays a role. Amazing to look back and see!
#2 God's leading, guiding, growing, stretching.
#3 God not allowing me to stay the same- making me a changed person.
#4 That He is gentle and all works in His perfect timing.
#5 Rocky friendships/relationships that have strengthened me and He is glorified.
#6 Rocky friendships that have come out on top, rooted in Him.
#7 New found friends
#8 Reminiscing and the ability to look back and see Him moving thought it all. It is His story.
#9 Divine appointments.
#10 Whatever is next.
#11 Unwritten Stories.
#12 Anticipation of what He will do.












 




 
                                                             

Two Years Ago Today

Anniversaries. This is a topic that she has talked about a few times. It wasn't something I really thought about much, aside from wedding anniversaries. Since reading these posts, however, I have spent time pondering the past few years of my life and what life-changing events would merit remembrance, observance. I have experienced a lot of change, hard but good, in the last two years, but I would probably limit specific events that would be worth choosing to remember. The most important: our moving from North Dakota to here. Everything else in the last two years hinges on us moving here. Today would be that anniversary, two years ago today. There are so many emotions (still) stirred when I think back to the events of that day.

When we were on the airplane I was so hurting and was having difficulty containing my emotions. Fortunately, God had me remember a notebook and  I was able to release all that I was feeling, recording the raw emotion of that moment. Here are my Thoughts from the airways as we departed Bismarck: Part I

My heart is breaking, literally tearing into pieces as we leave this place that I so hated when we first came. I don't want to go! This is so hard. I never thought I was capable of making intimate friendships. But God proved me wrong. He brought me friends that filled my heart. And as we depart this place my soul hurts to the core. A feeling I am not familiar with or have experienced. I allowed myself to be here until the end and now I am feeling it all. It is consuming me right now. I know this is God's plan and I am so thankful for the people He brought into our lives and teaching me lessons that were necessary. Including this. I don't understand right now and I don't know that I will until heaven. All I know is this is the hardest move I've been through. I can't stop the tears from falling. I am sick to my stomach. Me head is pounding. I didn't choose this.

I don't want to move on. I don't want to meet new people or make new friends. I was content where we were. I was happy and thankful for all that God had blessed us with.

Thoughts from the airways somewhere between Bismarck and Denver: Part II

I don't want to FEEL anymore.

I want to be NUMB. This would be so much EASIER. I HATE hard! As hard as this is....I would go through it ALL again for the reward of INCREDIBLE, FOREVER friends.

5 airplane napkins later, landing in Denver.....the tears are slowing....FOR NOW.

Thoughts from the airways, the final trek to our destination: part III

We boarded the plane in Denver. I took 2 Advil to tame my fierce headache. Opened gift from Deb... tears once again. She gave me a "Wreck this Journal" and her & Luisa got started on it for me! So sweet! Once we get to Phoenix, about 1 and a half hours, we have to collect our three suitcases and board a shuttle to retrieve our rental car. We will still have an hour and a half drive. I just want to get to the hotel and go to sleep. I'm SPENT!

Two years later, there is still an element of remembering that hurts...but, I am so thankful because I know, more now than I did then, that this was His plan,  and He has given me (some) understanding as to why, for my good and His glory. There is more remembering that will take place because of Him bringing us here, and it too will be bittersweet...and inexpressible gratitude will be on my lips.

Learning From the Girl that Used to Be Me

The other day, I was reading this, on Sarah Markley's blog. She was talking about losing her voice as a child because of the reaction of an adult when she spoke, the unexpected, soul crushing reaction that caused her to decide she was no longer going to give voice to her opinion or ideas and, how her blogging is what has helped her, gave her courage to slowly find her voice again.


People responded to her post talking about their own individual experiences of adults shutting them down, publicly embarrassing them, and in those moments deciding they were going to keep quiet from then on, choosing to avoid further or another round of humiliation. It's like something changes, a switch is turned off in that moment, and the soul loses it's voice and dictates the fear for the rest of a person's life.


Fortunately, despite my own personal experience, despite my interaction with adults that should have broken my spirit, I never lost my voice - I always fought, always stood up for myself, pointing out the injustice, the unfairness- because- no one else did for me. And I don't know why my spirit wasn't ever broken. Maybe it was because I had eyes watching, maybe because they needed to see that the harm, the hurt didn't have to win-that I wasn't going to be silenced, I wasn't going to cave, I didn't accept false accusation. Maybe there was power in that.


So, I wonder, what did happen? When did the switch get turned off, half-way? Because there is some sort of disconnect. I am realizing, that because I have been so over-the-top bold, opinionated, they have stopped hearing me. In the past, I had to be heard and I had to be right and I had something to say about...EVERYTHING! And maybe that's why they stopped hearing, why I stopped being heard. They had enough.


 I have walked with Christ for a long time, but it was at a distance-unknown to me. But, praise God, in the last year, He has used people and circumstances and He has gotten a hold of my heart, my soul, the core of who I am and He has changed me...is changing me. The walls have come down. The attitude, the abrasiveness, the hard heart...it's being transformed, and yes it hurts, and it's hard! Hard to admit that that's who I am, in my flesh, that those are my strongholds, that that was my identity.


And now, I am changed. I am different. I don't cling to that hardness as my identity. My heart has softened, and I am learning how to talk, when to talk, and how to approach people. I am learning to meet people where they're at and to love them in that place. I am learning to ask before I speak truth I feel the Lord has laid on my heart, and when I am granted permission, it is spoken in love.  In no way have I arrived, this is right under the surface, this sin nature, and there are days when it is tempting. Tempting to go there, to live in that flesh, because it was easy and I didn't get hurt. There are days when it would be easier to push everyone out, harden my heart and run back to that which I used to cling. It would ease the sting, deaden the pain.


So, where is the disconnect? Those that stopped hearing me only know the old me. They haven't been around this changed person enough to see my heart. All they know is they got tired of hearing me, and I lost the right to be heard...and it hurts. I know my heart, I know my intentions, but they don't  understand it. They only see ulterior motives, manipulation, and passive-aggressive behavior.


Beyond that, though, there is another component.


Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God. Matthew 3:20-21


I used to be one of those believers who walked the fence, one foot in the Word, one foot in the World--I was that believer that my pastor always talked about, that I understood, but didn't know it was me--saved but miserable. No abundant life because I wasn't truly walking in His ways, I wasn't walking in complete obedience. I didn't know it...it was something I learned. God got a hold of me and showed me my double-mindedness...He gave me an opportunity to choose, and I did.


But, these people who have stopped hearing me, these people who once surrounded me, who I shared my life with, I see this evident in their lives...they call themselves Christians by name. And I don't doubt their salvation just as I never doubted mine, but their walk, their obedience...it is clear. In their lack of understanding, in their Christian "freedom" and entitlement, in their desire to keep one foot in the world, I am not heard...I am silenced.


I wonder now, where can I be heard, where can I speak my own truth?  I am fearful and closed down. I feel like I have a voice, a voice I want to share, to be heard. But this fear-fear of rejection, judgement, offending, fear of man, has kept me quiet. I am ready to move beyond that-to take a stand, like the young girl I used to be-to find my place that I can give myself permission to speak out loud, despite the naysayers, to find my place to speak my truth, to find space for these ever-internalized thoughts that need to breathe. This is that place.