Love the Body You're In

It has been sometime since I have visited this space. A lot of life has been lived...heartache, celebration, grieving, elation....there have been milestones attained and forever life decisions set in motion. There has been stretching, learning, and growing...all of this after eventual surrender to the Lord. Because he is perfect and all knowing and he sets our paths straight. I'm sure I will write about all of these things one day. But today I am motivated to share about a personal journey I have been on.

Last week I reached a personal milestone. One year ago I made a decision to better myself, to honor God by taking care of my body. I began working out. At first, just two days a week. After a few months, it grew to maybe 4 times a week. I was so enjoying the process and watching my body transform, seeing what I was capable of. I eventually was working out 6 days a week. Not to say that there weren't struggles along the way, there have been many.

Last February I met Raji. I was standing in line at Chick-Fil-A, waiting to get a refill on my tea, when I noticed this woman standing in front of me. It was obvious that she worked out. But it was more than that. It was the prominent shoulders, the back muscles that were exposed, defined arms, and even in her leggings you could see her built quads and hamstrings. It was her posture and how she held herself.  I was noticing her build and poise with the realization that a body like that doesn't happen. You have to work for it, and I was certain it required a lot of work! I decided to be brave that day and approach her. I said to her,  "I don't mean to sound weird, but I just wanted to tell you that you look great! I know it takes a lot of hard work to look like that." She told me thank you and then she said that she was a personal trainer. A week later we met at Starbucks. We discussed goals, food preferences, and life.

Fast forward a year. This journey has been one of the more difficult ones I have been on, personally. God has used this to challenge me in many different ways, which has carried over into other areas of my life. I have been challenged in being disciplined, in making choices...to get up in the morning, or, the food I eat, in trusting him, that through him, I can do this. The biggest challenge has been mental...usually just getting out of my head, doing what I know I need to do and not complain while I do it, trusting my trainer, and believing in myself.  I have had to lean on him for sustenance throughout this journey. If it was not for that, I'm certain I would have quit by now.

Even through the obstacles I just shared, I faced an even larger setback this fall. I found out I had torn my rotator cuff and it required surgery for a proper repair. I was devastated. It was by far the thing I feared most. I had just set some new goals, was working on heavy lifting/muscle building. I was angry, frustrated, scared... I was scared. I didn't want to have surgery, I didn't even know how this injury occurred. I found a really good doctor. He reassured me that, though this is a lengthy recovery process (12 months for 100% recovery) when all was said and done, I would come back stronger.

My surgery was in November. I started P.T. 3 weeks later. As of yesterday I am at 4 months post-op. This has been a difficult process and I am nowhere near out of the woods. I should be done with P.T., but my muscles aren't dissociating and my range of motion isn't where it should be, so he prescribed another 6 weeks of P.T. It is slowly getting better...slowly...What caught me by surprise was the mental challenge of this process. I have broken down at P.T., not because my therapist is hurting me, which, let me tell ya', it doesn't feel great, but because of the lack of response my body has had, the inability to do things that are second nature, feeling like I wasn't improving...being stuck. I had reassurance from all sides, hey, you're only 3 months out of surgery, full recovery is 1 year, but that didn't always leave me any less frustrated.

In January, about 2 months post-op, I began training again. I was very excited that my doctor had given me the go ahead. Legs and core only but I was itching to get back, to get back to routine, to clearing my head, relieving my stress. I started back probably about 2-3 days a week. I fully intended to go back 5 days a week, but, every time I walked into her gym I was defeated. Here I was stuck doing leg extensions, lunges, Bulgarian split squats (without weight). And while I was stuck on a machine doing leg extensions, the ladies I work out with were working on muscle building, squats with the bar, deadlifts, weighted glute bridges...everything I was doing, muscle building, before I saw my doc for my consultation and he said stop. It became difficult to get up early to go workout, relegated to "feeble" (in my mind) exercises while I watched them do my workout. 

I continued to go, not my 5 days, but I went. And even with the few things I was doing, I was seeing results, slowly, but there were results. My weights were getting heavier, my legs were starting to shape up again, my endurance was rebuilding. I had to find my "why", refocus, and again, seek the Lord and rely on his sustenance. It is only because of him. I had begun to regain motivation and was making it about 4 days a week, still with uncertainty of my ultimate goal. The question Raji is forever posing to me..."do you want to lean out, or do you want to build muscle."

I have been sick the past two weeks so I have avoided training in hopes of getting some sleep and letting my body recoup. Over the past two weeks the Lord has been faithful. He has allowed me to, as Raji is ALWAYS preaching, learn to love the body I'm in. He has given me a peace. I know what this body is capable of, I know what I can do, and it feels good to be strong. I have found a new focus, I am motivated, and I will begin the process of setting goals when I go back next week.

In the beginning, this journey was about aesthetics. I think that's pretty normal. We are bombarded in our culture with images and expectations and it is distracting. It becomes too difficult to wade through, to find what is realistic. I was preparing for a cruise and I had 3 months. My intentions had always been to continue training once the cruise was over. What I didn't intend was for God to use this as a gateway to get ahold of my heart, penetrate, and effect almost every other of my life. As I have stayed the course, though it has been bumpy, he has been faithful to meet me where I was at each point...for every success, for every frustration, for every drop of sweat and every tear cried,  for inches lost, for muscle gained, he has been there. He has taught me that this is about more than aesthetics. That is a great benefit, but he has consistently taught me that this is about my future, my families future, my heart and my soul; me being the best version of myself (when I am surrendered). He has ultimately taught me that this journey, this part of my life, for me, is about obedience.

Choosing

I'm not exactly sure where I find myself this morning. God has been so faithful to give and show me so much...and really, I am overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed at how much my Jesus loves me, I am overwhelmed that He chose me, handpicked me! I am overwhelmed that He has called me and in that calling, I am overwhelmed at what He asks of me. Because, it is a lot and it is hard because it is so different from what this world asks of me. And I have to choose. When I call myself a believer, a follower of Christ, what does that really mean? What does He require of me in my accepting His calling? "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it." Mark 8:34-35 This is what He requires.

I have been contemplating these things much as of late and it is hard, it is hard to deny self and to seek His perfect will, to lay down my agenda and let His envelope all that I thought I needed or wanted: securities of this world, unrealistic, maybe even ungodly expectations, finding worth and approval in places He never meant for me to find them, desires that weren't intended for me, hijacked dreams that only left me feeling empty. All of these things have unknowingly been weighing me down and I have been carryng burdens that not only gave me a false sense of security but that were never meant for me to carry. These things have lead me to make choices that were not of Him, to say things that were hurtful, to project my needs on to others that only He can meet. These things have distracted me from taking up my cross and following Him in full obedience causing me to sin against Him.

I am so thankful that His grace abounds! In my choosing to follow Him, He takes me as I am, and when I confess, He fogives and He loves me so much that His desire is to do a continued work in me. He doesn't want me to be that person, lost and pawning after things of this world that have no eternal value. I mean, eternity is what it comes down to, lost souls and eternity. How can He use me to further His kingdom when I am bogged down by all these things that are so distracting and insignifiant? And when I start to ask these questions honestly He is faithful to answer. He is faithful to show me what is not of Him, what I am holding on to that He desires me to let go of, where hidden sin has taken up residence in my heart leaving little room for Him. He shows me and I have a choice. I have a choice to tighten my grip, to continue harder in the path I am on, seeking my own fulfillment. Or, I have a choice to let go, arms high and heart abandoned, to submit in obedience, seeking His perfect will.

Either choice will lead to a difficult road. Either choice will have an aftershock of pain. If I choose to submit, the road will be narrow, but He will walk with me, I will not be alone. If I choose to let go, it will hurt, but He will comfort me, He will bind my wounds. And if I choose to lift arms high and leave my heart abandoned to Him, He will be faithful to infilitrate the emptiness that is left. When I humble myself before Him and choose His perfect will, there will be freedom. There is beauty in the pain, healing in the hurting. I know this because I am in the midst of choosing, choosing to let go of things I didn't even know I was holding onto, dreams that were never intended for me that I hijacked as my own. And in the letting go, He is showing me His plan, His purpose, giving me a new dream of my own that is intended just for me. And I have peace, His perfect peace. I have found freedom! And He is giving me this promise as He is gently ushering me to let go of other strongholds that I have held onto even tighter, that I have wrapped my identity around. I am grateful that He is so gracious with me.

I have found peace and rest, for now, in this moment.... so it is my prayer that He would continue to show me, that I would continue in humility, that I would continue to choose to be softened, that His will may be done in my life. I desire to let go so that I may take up my cross and follow Him.

"Come to me, all you are weary and burdened, and I will gibe you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

How Do You Move Forward when You're Stuck

It has been some time since I have visited this place. I have been silent. And not because I haven't wanted to be here or because I haven't had thoughts continually spilling out of my head. It is because of my personal struggle, and what I have faced on a daily basis, my sin nature. My sin.....

Before I go there I feel like I need to back up and venture elsewhere for a moment. My mind has been drawn to contemplating much about this last year, what I have gone through, and where it has taken me. There are many blogs that I read in which the writers choose to "name" their year. I was introduced to this idea last year and I, of course, in my overthinking and analyzing waited much too long to take part. So, naturally, I was ecstatic, almost waiting for last year to turn and the new one to begin so I could join in and see where God might lead me, how He might encourage me, what direction I felt He was leading me in. I so wanted to be a participant, to name this year, to set a kind of obscure goal of sorts for myself. And I have to say, I am sorry to disappoint if you are waiting ever so patiently for me to tell you what I have settled on, what this year for me will be. Because I have yet really to even sit with God and ask Him and wait for His leading.



In fact, in all honesty, I'm not really sure that I'm ready for 2011. I mean, obviously I have no choice, but I don't know that I've closed out 2010. It was a difficult year full of trials, loss, hurting, confusion, emptiness, loneliness, change, and questioning. And I don't know that I am ready to move forward. I feel like maybe there hasn't been the "closure" I've needed. Moving into a new year has this stigma that it is a fresh start and an opportunity to start over, to begin anew. And I wish that motivated me, that I could hang on to that and move forward. But, I feel stuck. I feel like there is this untidy mess and I can't move on until it is straightened up, dealt with, and taken care of.



The beginning of 2010 was great, it was going to be a good year! But that sin thing that I mentioned at the beginning, it reared it's ugly head. It had one name, but two faces! I first met the face of  "perfectionism" (that is a conservative title) and it threw me for a loop. It is something I think I have always struggled with, but just was in denial about. So, I let go, I slowed down, I allowed myself to breath. I handed everything over to God realizing I was E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D. I gave Him the reigns....and it felt good....to not have to be in control of everything. I spent a lot of time with God, in the Word, growing, and working through my issues during this time, with the help of a few friends and my mentor.



After a devastating series of events, God leading us away from our church, ultimately everyone that was our "family", and my entire support system, I met the "other" face of my sin which was chaos. You see,  in realizing that I had issues with a need to try to control and working on letting go, when my whole world fell apart, I completely let go. I didn't even want to try to control anything, and so, ensued chaos. There was no in between. I went from one extreme to the other. The REAL issue wasn't really the perfectionism, or the chaos. The one name that these two faces shared was "lack of self-discipline". That was the name of the REAL sin, the REAL struggle.



 The perfectionism was only so exhausting because I was setting myself up for failure constantly! I had unrealistic expcetations of myself (and others) and when they weren't met it was frustrating. But I couldn't meet them because not only were they unrealistic, but I lacked self-discipline. And the chaos, well that was the other extreme of perfectionism, letting go of everything, never having a plan, but magnified because there was no self-discipline. And I got into a cycle and I was hurting and questioning and the tears were flowing....and instead of continuing in my forward motion and the progress I was making, I gave up. I was knocked down. I chose not to grab God's hand and there were no other hands reaching out to pick me up.



That is why entering into 2011 is diffiuclt for me. Because, I'm not really sure where I'm at. I'm finding it difficult to toe-the-line between perfectionism and chaos, to ultimately master work towards self-discipline.
It's just when I think I'm moving forward and all of this is behind me I will be reminded of the moments that sent my world crashing down, and what I thought I had dealt with is wrenching pain in my heart and pouring tears down my face. I haven't healed, at least not completely.  And until that happens, I may be stuck. I don't want that to be my heart. I want to let go of what was and look forward to what will be and anxiously await what God is going to do this year!



As I have allowed myself to give life to these thoughts and words, I feel the healing beginning. And as I have had a chance to reflect on where God has taken me this last year, my struggle, and my sin that I have had to face, I think maybe, just maybe I will call this year the year of "DISCIPLINE".



For this reason I remind you to to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline.
2 Timothy 1:6-7

Blessings of time and a kindred spirit

Busy days, late nights, maximizing the time we had together didn't allow for me to write, and I wouldn't trade it. We had a blessed time! We shared life for the first time in 5 or 6 years, for the first time since our relationship has been restored. And it was beautiful and it was a blessing and I am so grateful for the time. Our relationship is the type where we can share-completely honestly- about what God is doing, how He is growing us, and confessing that with which we struggle- we have the freedom to share from the heart and know we will not be judged or chastised, but encouraged, lifted up, and prayed for. It is the place for me where I can experience true Christian fellowship, true Christian sisterhood. And I am so grateful that God has given me this gift, that He allowed me to experience this- He has chosen this kinship, this sisterhood for me... and there are not words to express the gratitude! What a true blessing!

Lord, I thank you for this dear friend who is honest enough to be real, to be frank, to say the hard things, only out of a desire to see the family strengthened and You glorified!


#13. ability to laugh at myself with my kids while playing with the kids
#14. not taking myself too seriously
#15. kids with fresh haircuts
#16. God truths spoken by daughter
#17. rain
#18. life giving words
#19. Father's birthday
#20. honoring others
#21. gifts/talents
#22. creating
#23. quiet
#24. time for reflection
#25. uncertainty
#26. finished quilts
#27. growing excitement for a coming adventure
#28. New Mexico, pathway to CO from AZ
#29. family vacation
#30. reliable vehicle
#31. welcoming, loving arms
#32. embracing dear friends
#33. time
#34. Freedom- to be "me" because I know she understands and loves me, no matter what!
#35. kindred-spirit mama's, kindred-spirit daugther's

#36. pouring out
#37. being heard
#38. sharing life with "truly" like-minded friends
#39. gluten free, sugar free, dairy free cooking and baking...tackling it together
#40. shared table
#41. morning greetings
#42. late nights
#43. cherished moments
#44. teenage-approaching boys challenged to set example for young one

#45. living in community
#46. talking about the REAL things
#47. sharing the depths of our souls
#48. laughing, crying, encouraging, praying...together
#49. reminiscing
#50. girls night
#51. speaking truth
#52. receiving truth
#53. safe place for confessing
#54. carrying each other's burdens
#55. God's promise

#56. this kinship, that which God chose for me

Join me in counting the daily gifts from the Giver!

Friends... Together

I have intended to do a post this weekend, didn't quite get to it. However, we got to our destination here in Colorado to visit our dear friends. Today Tink threw an impromptu post at me, on her blog, and I thought I would share it with you here.

Friends... Together

So, my dear friend Tammy is here...seriously here...sitting on my left. We're sipping coffee. We're talking, maybe a tear or two is shared. We went to church, had lunch, went to Costco...it feels good. It feels like home. It is good.
I am so blessed, so here is the compilation of us, to share with the blog world...TINK


We traveled 12 hours yesterday to get here, to visit these dear friends we call and consider family. I would have traveled 24, whatever it would take. I am currently in a season of life which God has placed me in, a season of loneliness...it is a place I accept. But, in the midst of this lonely season, being here, with these friends who have walked with us (sharing births of children, speaking truth in love, walking every step of life together, the good and the bad, REALLY knowing each other), sharing life like we once used to, is like a stream in the desert, refreshing, soul quenching. I am beyond blessed and so thankful. It is my prayer that the Lord would help me to relish every moment that is shared, to capture the joy of this time He has allowed us to be together....TAMMY



Yay...this is rad. Not that we could pen a letter and read it, relish it, till the next one came (which is usually every 6 months on my record)...but that we can sit and write together. That we not only share joy in our friendship, but that we are sharing life...sharing the blessing...watch as our children play, our husbands laugh, and our table is set...together. We cherish the moments, record them, recall them, and the list continues. What the Lord has begun, He is continuing in both of our lives...and what a blessing it is to see Him work the miracles in my life, and in yours, Tammy. Thanks be to Him who gives us richness and fullness of joy!...TINK

I first met Tink when she was with child. She was a new bride, and preparing to be a new mommy. I had just moved to AZ, had twin boys that were 4, and an infant daughter. We had been there 6 long months, and I had no one. God intersected our paths and after knowing each other only a few short months, I was at the hospital sharing in the birth of her daughter. This was only the beginning...there is a part of the story many don't know, and that I don't particularly like to recall, but it's a crucial part of the story. There was a time period of about two years we did not speak, Tink and I, not for a lack of trying on her part, but on account of my hardened heart, and for growth God needed to do in each of our lives. I, after moving to another state and being completely lonely, I called her, praying she would receive it. She did, and she forgave, and she didn't even want the explanation as to why or what. And we picked up where we left off, and now, three years later, here we are. I don't know what God has in store for either of us, but, we will keep sharing life, keep speaking into each others lives, keep loving, as God has knitted our hearts together, intertwined our lives. Thank you Lord for this gift of true friendship...TAMMY

AMEN! There has been a lot...a heaping and over-flowing portion of life we have shared, laughed over, cried over, scrap-booked about, written about...and as I am sitting here with a friend, I praise God for His goodness, His GRACE, His mercy, His patience, His love, His discipline. For in Him we are made whole...TINK

Not to us, O Lord, not to us but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness. Psalm 115:1

Power of Words

I am moved this morning. A longstanding truth is the fact that words have power. And there are people that He has given a gift, this gift, the ability to take words and put them together. And in so doing, not only do these words have power, but they have life-giving power, convicting power, stirring power. These people recognize their gift, and they share it freely...and the words stir my heart, convict my heart, give life to my heart, my own shared passion for words and writing...and I am moved to put words on page. It looks different, and it sounds different, but it is my passion, {maybe} my gift, but it is my voice. And I am thankful to have this space for my voice to be spoken...maybe to even move another.

In the last ten years I have learned that words can be life-giving, I understand it, but maybe haven't practiced it as much as I could or should. But, I did the other day and He was faithful to show me the power in sharing words that are life-giving, encouraging me to incorporate this into everyday living, to make this a way of life.

My father has always, ever since I can remember, been a woodworker. It is not his chosen profession, but it is his hobby, his passion, his gift.

He has spent many hours in his workshop designing, creating, bringing to life an otherwise still and plain 2X4, or an innocent by-standing piece of plywood. And when he is finished, there is no trace of what was, the flat boards stacked, lying still, only the masterpiece which he formed by manipulating wood into predetermined design.

I know this is his love because he doesn't do it for money. He uses this gift to bless others. I adore the jewelry box he made for me one year for Christmas, and for daughter's birthday, as a request, he also crafted her a jewelry box. And a few years earlier, after seeing her growing collection of "dress-up" items, he blessed her with a personalized dress-up box, filled with new items that her growing collection could be added to.

Beyond that, he blesses his church family. A family in his church was in need of bunk beds for their children. All he asks is reimbursement for supplies, but his final creation, his sacrifice of time, he uses it to serve, to bless. And other requests come...a dining room table, an office desk, a coffee table, and he is diligent to fulfill the requests, to honor God in honoring his gift, using it to bless others, to glorify God.

The other day my dad sent me a picture of something he created, a new venture, a sign for a business. And as if I should expect anything less, I was amazed. I had seen pictures of the process, from beginning to end, from nothing to something. It was incredible. And I did something I had never done before. I chose to offer life-giving words, to my dad, affirming him..."what a gift you have been given, great to see how you are using it." And the words did not return void, they were received, "thanks for the kind words, that felt good!!!"

I questioned myself, why don't I do this more often? Share these life-giving, affirming words. Why don't I do this with my children, my spouse? There really is such power in words, we have power in words, and we have the power to effect a life if we choose to use words in such a way as to encourage, build-up, pointing to Christ and His blessing in all.

Today is my dad's 60th birthday, and though I am not with him to celebrate, I desire to honor him and the man he is...the example he has given in using our God-given talents and gifts humbly, to bless others. Thank you dad for this example, and the encouragement to seek my passions, and to use them in a way that others may be blessed. Happy birthday Dad, I love you!

"Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in it's various forms."  I Peter 4:10

Jesus in ALL Things

This morning as I read one of my daily devotions, I was encouraged, but more importantly, challenged. I was challenged in all facets of my life, but namely, my parenting, because this is my life-focus right now, my ministry. When I finished reading I paused and reflected on what it was God was showing me. He has used a few other things in my life recently to get my attention, but this morning, it was like I was finally hearing Him. I want to be different, God wants me to be different. I want our family to be different, pleasing only unto Him.

I desire to be the kind of parent that when my kids say to me they are lonely, or struggling, or praying about something, I want to be able to encourage them. To tell them to lean on Jesus, to seek Him in their loneliness. When they are struggling, to be able to say God loves you, press into Him and He will comfort you- you have the resurrection power within you through the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. When they tell me they are praying about something specific, that not only would I say I will be praying about that for you, but that I would stop what I am doing and pray for them right there.

That is the kind of parent I want to be. I want to point to Jesus in all things. I desire to show and teach them that He encompasses ALL of life. There is never any separation. Jesus first, Jesus last, Jesus in ALL things.


"Not only our private prayers should be filled with God, but our witnessing, our singing, our preaching, our writing should center around the Person of our holy, holy, Lord and extol continually the greatness of His dignity and power. There is a glorified Man on the right hand of the Majesty in heaven faithfully representing us there. We are left for a season among men, let us faithfully represent Him here."  A.W. Tozer  The Knowledge of the Holy