I'm not exactly sure where I find myself this morning. God has been so faithful to give and show me so much...and really, I am overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed at how much my Jesus loves me, I am overwhelmed that He chose me, handpicked me! I am overwhelmed that He has called me and in that calling, I am overwhelmed at what He asks of me. Because, it is a lot and it is hard because it is so different from what this world asks of me. And I have to choose. When I call myself a believer, a follower of Christ, what does that really mean? What does He require of me in my accepting His calling? "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it." Mark 8:34-35 This is what He requires.
I have been contemplating these things much as of late and it is hard, it is hard to deny self and to seek His perfect will, to lay down my agenda and let His envelope all that I thought I needed or wanted: securities of this world, unrealistic, maybe even ungodly expectations, finding worth and approval in places He never meant for me to find them, desires that weren't intended for me, hijacked dreams that only left me feeling empty. All of these things have unknowingly been weighing me down and I have been carryng burdens that not only gave me a false sense of security but that were never meant for me to carry. These things have lead me to make choices that were not of Him, to say things that were hurtful, to project my needs on to others that only He can meet. These things have distracted me from taking up my cross and following Him in full obedience causing me to sin against Him.
I am so thankful that His grace abounds! In my choosing to follow Him, He takes me as I am, and when I confess, He fogives and He loves me so much that His desire is to do a continued work in me. He doesn't want me to be that person, lost and pawning after things of this world that have no eternal value. I mean, eternity is what it comes down to, lost souls and eternity. How can He use me to further His kingdom when I am bogged down by all these things that are so distracting and insignifiant? And when I start to ask these questions honestly He is faithful to answer. He is faithful to show me what is not of Him, what I am holding on to that He desires me to let go of, where hidden sin has taken up residence in my heart leaving little room for Him. He shows me and I have a choice. I have a choice to tighten my grip, to continue harder in the path I am on, seeking my own fulfillment. Or, I have a choice to let go, arms high and heart abandoned, to submit in obedience, seeking His perfect will.
Either choice will lead to a difficult road. Either choice will have an aftershock of pain. If I choose to submit, the road will be narrow, but He will walk with me, I will not be alone. If I choose to let go, it will hurt, but He will comfort me, He will bind my wounds. And if I choose to lift arms high and leave my heart abandoned to Him, He will be faithful to infilitrate the emptiness that is left. When I humble myself before Him and choose His perfect will, there will be freedom. There is beauty in the pain, healing in the hurting. I know this because I am in the midst of choosing, choosing to let go of things I didn't even know I was holding onto, dreams that were never intended for me that I hijacked as my own. And in the letting go, He is showing me His plan, His purpose, giving me a new dream of my own that is intended just for me. And I have peace, His perfect peace. I have found freedom! And He is giving me this promise as He is gently ushering me to let go of other strongholds that I have held onto even tighter, that I have wrapped my identity around. I am grateful that He is so gracious with me.
I have found peace and rest, for now, in this moment.... so it is my prayer that He would continue to show me, that I would continue in humility, that I would continue to choose to be softened, that His will may be done in my life. I desire to let go so that I may take up my cross and follow Him.
"Come to me, all you are weary and burdened, and I will gibe you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
How Do You Move Forward when You're Stuck
It has been some time since I have visited this place. I have been silent. And not because I haven't wanted to be here or because I haven't had thoughts continually spilling out of my head. It is because of my personal struggle, and what I have faced on a daily basis, my sin nature. My sin.....
Before I go there I feel like I need to back up and venture elsewhere for a moment. My mind has been drawn to contemplating much about this last year, what I have gone through, and where it has taken me. There are many blogs that I read in which the writers choose to "name" their year. I was introduced to this idea last year and I, of course, in my overthinking and analyzing waited much too long to take part. So, naturally, I was ecstatic, almost waiting for last year to turn and the new one to begin so I could join in and see where God might lead me, how He might encourage me, what direction I felt He was leading me in. I so wanted to be a participant, to name this year, to set a kind of obscure goal of sorts for myself. And I have to say, I am sorry to disappoint if you are waiting ever so patiently for me to tell you what I have settled on, what this year for me will be. Because I have yet really to even sit with God and ask Him and wait for His leading.
In fact, in all honesty, I'm not really sure that I'm ready for 2011. I mean, obviously I have no choice, but I don't know that I've closed out 2010. It was a difficult year full of trials, loss, hurting, confusion, emptiness, loneliness, change, and questioning. And I don't know that I am ready to move forward. I feel like maybe there hasn't been the "closure" I've needed. Moving into a new year has this stigma that it is a fresh start and an opportunity to start over, to begin anew. And I wish that motivated me, that I could hang on to that and move forward. But, I feel stuck. I feel like there is this untidy mess and I can't move on until it is straightened up, dealt with, and taken care of.
The beginning of 2010 was great, it was going to be a good year! But that sin thing that I mentioned at the beginning, it reared it's ugly head. It had one name, but two faces! I first met the face of "perfectionism" (that is a conservative title) and it threw me for a loop. It is something I think I have always struggled with, but just was in denial about. So, I let go, I slowed down, I allowed myself to breath. I handed everything over to God realizing I was E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D. I gave Him the reigns....and it felt good....to not have to be in control of everything. I spent a lot of time with God, in the Word, growing, and working through my issues during this time, with the help of a few friends and my mentor.
After a devastating series of events, God leading us away from our church, ultimately everyone that was our "family", and my entire support system, I met the "other" face of my sin which was chaos. You see, in realizing that I had issues with a need to try to control and working on letting go, when my whole world fell apart, I completely let go. I didn't even want to try to control anything, and so, ensued chaos. There was no in between. I went from one extreme to the other. The REAL issue wasn't really the perfectionism, or the chaos. The one name that these two faces shared was "lack of self-discipline". That was the name of the REAL sin, the REAL struggle.
The perfectionism was only so exhausting because I was setting myself up for failure constantly! I had unrealistic expcetations of myself (and others) and when they weren't met it was frustrating. But I couldn't meet them because not only were they unrealistic, but I lacked self-discipline. And the chaos, well that was the other extreme of perfectionism, letting go of everything, never having a plan, but magnified because there was no self-discipline. And I got into a cycle and I was hurting and questioning and the tears were flowing....and instead of continuing in my forward motion and the progress I was making, I gave up. I was knocked down. I chose not to grab God's hand and there were no other hands reaching out to pick me up.
That is why entering into 2011 is diffiuclt for me. Because, I'm not really sure where I'm at. I'm finding it difficult to toe-the-line between perfectionism and chaos, to ultimatelymaster work towards self-discipline.
It's just when I think I'm moving forward and all of this is behind me I will be reminded of the moments that sent my world crashing down, and what I thought I had dealt with is wrenching pain in my heart and pouring tears down my face. I haven't healed, at least not completely. And until that happens, I may be stuck. I don't want that to be my heart. I want to let go of what was and look forward to what will be and anxiously await what God is going to do this year!
As I have allowed myself to give life to these thoughts and words, I feel the healing beginning. And as I have had a chance to reflect on where God has taken me this last year, my struggle, and my sin that I have had to face, I think maybe, just maybe I will call this year the year of "DISCIPLINE".
For this reason I remind you to to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline.
2 Timothy 1:6-7
Before I go there I feel like I need to back up and venture elsewhere for a moment. My mind has been drawn to contemplating much about this last year, what I have gone through, and where it has taken me. There are many blogs that I read in which the writers choose to "name" their year. I was introduced to this idea last year and I, of course, in my overthinking and analyzing waited much too long to take part. So, naturally, I was ecstatic, almost waiting for last year to turn and the new one to begin so I could join in and see where God might lead me, how He might encourage me, what direction I felt He was leading me in. I so wanted to be a participant, to name this year, to set a kind of obscure goal of sorts for myself. And I have to say, I am sorry to disappoint if you are waiting ever so patiently for me to tell you what I have settled on, what this year for me will be. Because I have yet really to even sit with God and ask Him and wait for His leading.
In fact, in all honesty, I'm not really sure that I'm ready for 2011. I mean, obviously I have no choice, but I don't know that I've closed out 2010. It was a difficult year full of trials, loss, hurting, confusion, emptiness, loneliness, change, and questioning. And I don't know that I am ready to move forward. I feel like maybe there hasn't been the "closure" I've needed. Moving into a new year has this stigma that it is a fresh start and an opportunity to start over, to begin anew. And I wish that motivated me, that I could hang on to that and move forward. But, I feel stuck. I feel like there is this untidy mess and I can't move on until it is straightened up, dealt with, and taken care of.
The beginning of 2010 was great, it was going to be a good year! But that sin thing that I mentioned at the beginning, it reared it's ugly head. It had one name, but two faces! I first met the face of "perfectionism" (that is a conservative title) and it threw me for a loop. It is something I think I have always struggled with, but just was in denial about. So, I let go, I slowed down, I allowed myself to breath. I handed everything over to God realizing I was E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D. I gave Him the reigns....and it felt good....to not have to be in control of everything. I spent a lot of time with God, in the Word, growing, and working through my issues during this time, with the help of a few friends and my mentor.
After a devastating series of events, God leading us away from our church, ultimately everyone that was our "family", and my entire support system, I met the "other" face of my sin which was chaos. You see, in realizing that I had issues with a need to try to control and working on letting go, when my whole world fell apart, I completely let go. I didn't even want to try to control anything, and so, ensued chaos. There was no in between. I went from one extreme to the other. The REAL issue wasn't really the perfectionism, or the chaos. The one name that these two faces shared was "lack of self-discipline". That was the name of the REAL sin, the REAL struggle.
The perfectionism was only so exhausting because I was setting myself up for failure constantly! I had unrealistic expcetations of myself (and others) and when they weren't met it was frustrating. But I couldn't meet them because not only were they unrealistic, but I lacked self-discipline. And the chaos, well that was the other extreme of perfectionism, letting go of everything, never having a plan, but magnified because there was no self-discipline. And I got into a cycle and I was hurting and questioning and the tears were flowing....and instead of continuing in my forward motion and the progress I was making, I gave up. I was knocked down. I chose not to grab God's hand and there were no other hands reaching out to pick me up.
That is why entering into 2011 is diffiuclt for me. Because, I'm not really sure where I'm at. I'm finding it difficult to toe-the-line between perfectionism and chaos, to ultimately
It's just when I think I'm moving forward and all of this is behind me I will be reminded of the moments that sent my world crashing down, and what I thought I had dealt with is wrenching pain in my heart and pouring tears down my face. I haven't healed, at least not completely. And until that happens, I may be stuck. I don't want that to be my heart. I want to let go of what was and look forward to what will be and anxiously await what God is going to do this year!
As I have allowed myself to give life to these thoughts and words, I feel the healing beginning. And as I have had a chance to reflect on where God has taken me this last year, my struggle, and my sin that I have had to face, I think maybe, just maybe I will call this year the year of "DISCIPLINE".
For this reason I remind you to to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline.
2 Timothy 1:6-7
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