Before I go there I feel like I need to back up and venture elsewhere for a moment. My mind has been drawn to contemplating much about this last year, what I have gone through, and where it has taken me. There are many blogs that I read in which the writers choose to "name" their year. I was introduced to this idea last year and I, of course, in my overthinking and analyzing waited much too long to take part. So, naturally, I was ecstatic, almost waiting for last year to turn and the new one to begin so I could join in and see where God might lead me, how He might encourage me, what direction I felt He was leading me in. I so wanted to be a participant, to name this year, to set a kind of obscure goal of sorts for myself. And I have to say, I am sorry to disappoint if you are waiting ever so patiently for me to tell you what I have settled on, what this year for me will be. Because I have yet really to even sit with God and ask Him and wait for His leading.
In fact, in all honesty, I'm not really sure that I'm ready for 2011. I mean, obviously I have no choice, but I don't know that I've closed out 2010. It was a difficult year full of trials, loss, hurting, confusion, emptiness, loneliness, change, and questioning. And I don't know that I am ready to move forward. I feel like maybe there hasn't been the "closure" I've needed. Moving into a new year has this stigma that it is a fresh start and an opportunity to start over, to begin anew. And I wish that motivated me, that I could hang on to that and move forward. But, I feel stuck. I feel like there is this untidy mess and I can't move on until it is straightened up, dealt with, and taken care of.
The beginning of 2010 was great, it was going to be a good year! But that sin thing that I mentioned at the beginning, it reared it's ugly head. It had one name, but two faces! I first met the face of "perfectionism" (that is a conservative title) and it threw me for a loop. It is something I think I have always struggled with, but just was in denial about. So, I let go, I slowed down, I allowed myself to breath. I handed everything over to God realizing I was E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D. I gave Him the reigns....and it felt good....to not have to be in control of everything. I spent a lot of time with God, in the Word, growing, and working through my issues during this time, with the help of a few friends and my mentor.
After a devastating series of events, God leading us away from our church, ultimately everyone that was our "family", and my entire support system, I met the "other" face of my sin which was chaos. You see, in realizing that I had issues with a need to try to control and working on letting go, when my whole world fell apart, I completely let go. I didn't even want to try to control anything, and so, ensued chaos. There was no in between. I went from one extreme to the other. The REAL issue wasn't really the perfectionism, or the chaos. The one name that these two faces shared was "lack of self-discipline". That was the name of the REAL sin, the REAL struggle.
The perfectionism was only so exhausting because I was setting myself up for failure constantly! I had unrealistic expcetations of myself (and others) and when they weren't met it was frustrating. But I couldn't meet them because not only were they unrealistic, but I lacked self-discipline. And the chaos, well that was the other extreme of perfectionism, letting go of everything, never having a plan, but magnified because there was no self-discipline. And I got into a cycle and I was hurting and questioning and the tears were flowing....and instead of continuing in my forward motion and the progress I was making, I gave up. I was knocked down. I chose not to grab God's hand and there were no other hands reaching out to pick me up.
That is why entering into 2011 is diffiuclt for me. Because, I'm not really sure where I'm at. I'm finding it difficult to toe-the-line between perfectionism and chaos, to ultimately
It's just when I think I'm moving forward and all of this is behind me I will be reminded of the moments that sent my world crashing down, and what I thought I had dealt with is wrenching pain in my heart and pouring tears down my face. I haven't healed, at least not completely. And until that happens, I may be stuck. I don't want that to be my heart. I want to let go of what was and look forward to what will be and anxiously await what God is going to do this year!
As I have allowed myself to give life to these thoughts and words, I feel the healing beginning. And as I have had a chance to reflect on where God has taken me this last year, my struggle, and my sin that I have had to face, I think maybe, just maybe I will call this year the year of "DISCIPLINE".
For this reason I remind you to to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline.
2 Timothy 1:6-7
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